u stay on with me…forever… – Ayushman

by Ayushman on Monday, 16 August 2010 at 16:29

You know TJ, ever since you left us life’s been lousy. All everyone says is that “remember the happy times with her” or “she wouldn’t want you upset” or be strong for her”. Stuff like that. What they don’t understand is that every moment with you was bright and pleasant. And these happy memories are what bring tears to my eyes. The sense of loss overpowers me and hysteria prevails. Mom says that you need to talk about her. You need to make sure everybody hears what she was like and what she felt strongly for. But u see, i can’t talk to random strangers about you. Nor can i talk to my friends about you ’cause they aren’t really interested. They care about me and all but for them, you are just another of the casualties one reads and hears about. It doesn’t actually effect them and neither can they comprehend what a major loss it is to us who knew you so dearly. And people who do know you they get hysterical if i talk about you. i don’t want unpleasantness around your thoughts. So i figured that i’ll write about our journey together through life and solve my problem. As you always told me to when i showed you what i had written (once).As you said (quoted rather)”the pen is mightier than the sword”. It doesn’t actually stick to the context but whatever. Win-win isn’t it? Lets start from the very first memory i have of you.

I don’t remember how we met and became so close but the oldest memory i have of you is the one in the park. It was afternoon i think and i was the hyper kid(sorry don’t remember the ages too) [1997] running around, swinging, playing,etc etc. You were reading something (as usual) on the bench nearby while A, K and Sh were at the far end of the feild. I was halfway across the monkey bar and feeling really proud of myself when my hand slipped and i fell face first into the mud (it had rained). Within no time you were beside me. You put your huge arm across mt teenie shoulders (i was 3 years younger ok, no need to get too happy with yourself,now it is the other way round) and said “its ok Ayush, your nose is bleeding badly but we’ll get it fixed. Oh don’t cry.” I knew i was safe. It fogs up after that. I can guess that the others turned up and parents turned up and my bleeding stopped and an ice-cream later i was as hyper as ^ . But this is one of the very first memories i have of childhood and its everpresent. You were an angel. Still are.

Around the same time we had this umm…i dont know ‘war cry’? Remember how we four used to put our arms around each others shoulders and parade up and down the usually deserted road in front of our house in Wellington? Singing “we are the big fat brothers” and walking around like idiots. Its one of my fondest memories. Its when we were on one of our singing parades when we faced the driverless car. You surely remember that? Our parents were out together and it was dark. We were being brave and suddenly we saw this ambassador coming our way. We ran off the road and to our horror we saw that there wasn’t any driver. how we screamed!

Then next i have is of K’s b’day fancy dress party. K and A had both become ‘superman’. I had become a sportsman. You had become a princess i think. We had a BLAST! i remember that huge cake and that silly game of passing-the-parcel (where you gave me the prize even though i hadn’t won). Later Mom-Dad turned up and we had a big fight over what cartoon to watch. Eventually K prevailed since he was the b’day boy. Grrrr.

We left wellington. I remember clearly. Mom and i were leaving earlier than the rest. We came to your house to say goodbye. We had our sweet li’l maruti 800 at that time (Dad had done away with his bullet). And you guys came down. How much you cried. Mom tells me you were after her to leave me with Dad so that you could get more time with me. “Leave Ayush aunty, i’ll send him with uncle. Please aunty!!” I didn’t know what was happening but i remember being upset that you were crying. Later i asked Mom why you were crying and she said, “Tejaswee lost her doll just now, thats why.” Now i get what she meant.

After that we lost touch. I don’t know what happened with u guys but we went places. A had his operations. We went to Jodhpur and then Bathinda. It was in Leh when i spoke to you again. My b’day i guess. You had called. And we spoke like we knew each other so well. We exchanged a lot of e-mails after that. You and K both had e-mails related to harry potter. HA. Freaks. You got me into that world of Harry Potter you know.

Dad got posted to Amritsar. We left Leh. Its a beautiful place. We went down to pune. It turned out that you guys were in Pune too. We met in marz-o-rin remember? You were wearing that bandana and i remember thinking how cute you looked. We started chatting where we left off and it was like we were together always. We stayed over at your house. We had milkshake on the slab of stone in K’s room and took Proton and Voodoo out for a walk. Proton was so fond of me and i was elated. This was before Shadow came to us and it was my Proton who was my first furry love. You were so fond of reading but you used to get dark circles if you read too much so reading was banned for you. HA. You sneaked a book and when we went out you used to sit and read. I realized you were missing so i went to you and we read that stupid book about angels and stuff together. We watched that movie (finding nemo i think) till late at night. And you slept till late (as usual. That a similarity between you and A). We left for amritsar thereafter.

We met again the next summer. We missed K as he had gone somewhere but we met you there. And aunty. We picked you from your school. It was your last day i guess. You gave me a tour around the school and we went to the german cafe’ later. No first you had to buy some dress for a party or something. God u went around so much almost every store in Pune. I fail to recollect whether you actually bought any but you surely tried on almost every dress in Pune that day. :) German cafe’ was amazing. Remember we twisted all the cans later? (i spoke to you fastforward a few years when the German cafe’ was bombed and you were so disturbed at the loss of so many people)

And then you came to Delhi! That was just so great! i was on cloud 9. We went to the GK m block market and did vellapanti. CCD me the photosession. God you carried your camera everywhere didn’t you? How you fell flat for the guy with long hair there? We saw you off at the PG the same day. Aunty was leaving and you were so sad. I hugged you and whispered in your ear to sneak out and come stay with us. Did you hear that? You just smiled sadly.

We did’nt meet for a long time after that. I called you home many times, offered to pick you up and drop you but you refused every time. You didn’t come to the navy ball also with me (sob). I did call you a lot though and so did you. Remember the time when you gave me that loooooong lecture on peer pressure? And i was watching a movie in the background. When you realized that you didn’t talk to me for 2 days? HA. It took me 3 whole hours to console you. :’ )

Uncle, Aunty and K shifted here soon enough. It must have been tough for them but you were lonely (shame on me) so i guess it was for the better. We met at A’s b’day. HA. You looked scary! Solid wala! With your hair loose and curly and the black dress you had worn you seemed totally to have just stepped out of ‘aahat’. HA! I told you and you knocked me on the side of me head. OUCH that hurt okay! But you met a few of my friends. I loved the way you used to tell others that i was your little kid brother. ‘Kiddo’ you called me. ‘Aunty’ i called you. Call you.

Then came this summer when we saw almost all the movies PVR Priya had to offer. I loved the way you made sure you sat next to me and how i got knocks on the side when i poked fun at the actor/actress. How many times i missed tennis after that. All because of you! And then K’s b’day again. Big boy! We had a blast! which movie did we see? Haan we saw shrek 3D. With the lousy goggles. And that starbucks coffee? Which cost u a fortune? HA! We did crazy stuff didn’t we? That chink with weird hair who was giving you looks…my ‘long straw’ , the ‘french fries fangs’ and that lady who was giving me dirty looks because i said how ‘bhondu’ her bf was? HA! She was gonna murder me! We stayed over that day. I learnt about ‘hindu god’. I found it so strange.(i had my only disagreement with you then. Sorry i did that) :'(  How we forced you to watch ‘Harold and Kumar’? and then we watched some rom-com ‘the proposal’ was it? Good Times!

Remember when we watched ‘prince of persia’? When Sh and D were there too?That was fun! That VERY long straw! and the debate we had about Delhi and Bombay? And ‘our little yellow friends’? Was it that day when you linked your arm in mine and told me “when you’ll be famous i’ll tell everyone proudly that he is my little kid bro”? The world cup came thereafter. How you repeatedly texted me to learn more and more about football so that you didn’t feel left out…”whats offside?”  and “shouldn’t that have been a yellow card” and “i <3 messi” etc etc… That was so very cute of you. It still brings a smile on my face! We went bowling later after our parents came back from Jaipur and freaked out there. The bluo socks you were feeling guilty to take away. How we two thrashed A and K that day at bowling! No its ok i know i am good….HA!

And then i heard you were ill. That you got dengue. But i thought aww what the hell. Dengue toh hai. She’ll be out in no time. I hate my self for that because all those days when you were suffering life went on normal for me. I went to school, played, laughed, ate and was merry. One day, 8th of august K sent a msg saying that you were critical and to pray for you. I was shocked. Only then did i know of the seriousness of this and i prayed a lot. I told everyone to pray for your quick recovery. I guess God did pay heed to all what we said. On 10th K’s text said that you were recovering. I was pleased. I figured that you should be fit soon, i so wanted to see inception. On 11th august,2010 at 3.33 pm i got a text from K that changed the way i saw life. I had just got back from school and i was laughing my head off watching ‘how i met your mother’ when i got this-

“hey we r leavin fr her last rites    i wnt u all to remember d person she ws !! i thank u all fr prayin fr her to recover til her last breath !! god bless u all !!!”

Laughter. Shock. Hysteria. All this within two minutes. I woke up A and ditto. We sat and cried and cried and cried. My tutor came after about half an hour and i sat down to study because i still coundn’t believe it. That 1 hour passed like a click of my fingers. I cried some more. Mom called. She didn’t know. I told her and she broke down on the phone itself. We three sat together and spoke about you that day. Amongst tears and smiles we sat for a good 4 hours recounting how truly amazing you were. You are. Dad reached very late that night. We didn’t tell him because he had to drive back and he would have been very disturbed. I couldn’t face it anymore. i went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I didn’t meet Dad. I just couldn’t break the news to him that his little “doll” (as he called you) was not with him any more.

The next day was worse. I woke up and prayed to God before opening my eyes that it was a dream. But life isn’t fair is it? I checked my inbox and there was the text about you. I had a soccer match that day. I was in no condition to play. As i sat outside in the balcony, and it was pouring, something struck me. You wouldn’t have wanted me to waste away. You would have told me to fight. So i went. I played. I scored.

You know i’v been playing soccer for ages, for my school in amritsar, in delhi at first then i stopped for a while and started again…lets say 5 years in total. I never scored a goal. That day when the ball came to me i knew this was it. I let fly. The ball curled in like magic. I was so far out and the moment it touched my foot, i knew it was going in. It struck the post and went in. I went ballistic. Forgive me but for that nanosecond i forgot all what i had gone through the previous day. I heard a girl’s voice screaming my name and thoughts came flooding in. I dedicated my goal to you. But you know that don’t you?

We went to your house that day. I lost it when i saw aunty in such a bad state. I, who must have spent what? 5% of your life with or around you was so devasted, what was the state of the person who spent your entire life with you? But Aunty is strong. K is strong. Uncle is strong. And we’r there for them don’t worry.

You have gone somewhere and you can’t come back. I am very very proud of you TJ! Your aunt said that because you fought you survived for 12 days. I am so very proud and thats what keeps me going. I am fighting for you. Like you did in that bloody ICU. I try to go about with life like everything is normal and everything is ok and that is the toughest part. All the same i am happy that you are free of all your pain. Dengue is a very painful disease and after NDM1 caught hold of you i guess there was no turning back. But Aunty said that when it was time for you to leave the toxins had reached your brain and that you couldn’t feel the pain. So atleast you were pain free when you left. Its been very tough losing you. I hope nobody goes through what i have, and not only me but all of the people to whom you were dear. If i am thinking about myself and how bad and tough it is for me then i am being selfish. I know that you are now at peace.

You were just perfect Tejaswee. You were an angel. Are an angel. There are so many people i know and love but i can find faults in each and every person. Yes even A, even Sh, but not you. You had this punk edge (tattoo and the blue streaks back me) but thats not bad is it? i wouldnt have let you go bald anyways.You are the best,the most perfect  person i have come across in 16 years of my life and i am grateful to God for that. i am grateful that i knew an angel and she was so close to me. And that is why God took you. He wanted you for himself. This world is cruel and he didn’t want someone so pure to stay here. So he’s taking care of you up there.

Do you know whats the best part of you that Mom pointed out? That for Mom or for Dad you weren’t just “‘my son’s friend'”. Everyone has a special equation with you. In 19 and a half years you have touched so many hearts. And not only our age-group. I was going through your blog and i was (not) surprised to find that so many unknown people are also mourning. There’s one post that said that she hadn’t met you but had seen you in corridors of your coll. and was pretty sure that you were an amazing person. I have read your blog atleast 3 times over. Each and every article. I am glad you found a place in “Fabregas! GO Braziiiiilllll!!!” to mention me so that i know i was special to you too. You were so concerned about the society, woman rights, animal rights, environment, and so many things that were not related to you that if any outsider reads he/she’ll be wondering how can one person be so selfless. You were, are, and will remain the epitome of friendship, concern and selfless love. The world just lost 1 of the few good people left in this world. I hope you cause is heard and is not in vain. We’ll start something you were very intrested in like your turtles or general wildlife and carry on your legacy. I’v heard kids saying “sachin is my idol” or “kalam is my idol” or “kalpana chawla is my idol”. You are my idol and in 19 and a half years you’v got a fan, a follower which is nothing short of excellent. I love you loads darling. Noone can ever replace you. You have been coming to me in my dreams constantly for the past 3 nights. I believe that is your way of contacting me. Last night you told me to be strong. I am trying. You were the sister i never had. I want to believe that i meant something to you, i was an important part of your life too and that i was your little kid brother indeed but i can’t ever confirm that. I live in pride that my sis went with a fight and if someone says ” m so sorry about your friend” i’ll say “she wasn’t my friend, she was my sister and she fought”. I miss that million dollar smile lit up your face and dimpled your cheeks. That camera flash wala smile. They say that time is not a factor up there and it flies. I hope it does. I’ll be there in a jiffy. Hold on for me will you? We got loads of movies (which we missed) to catch. First day first show remember?

Bye sweetheart.

Yours forever

“kiddo”